complete crap

So, I've been anxious lately. Like, it's debilitating. I can't sleep without some sort of pharmaceutical help, and my body feels like it's falling apart. I have so many knots under my left shoulder blade and neck from tension. I'm going a little crazy. I am desperate for sleep, and I want to not be afraid that I'm dying every night for the rest of my life. I'm going to see a doctor for it. That's the short version of what's bothering me, everyone.

What's also bothering me is friends that don't reciprocate the concern that you feel for them. Friends who take and take and take from you when you want to give, but don't have time to listen when you have a problem. Friends who say one thing and do another. I'm not a very nice person. I don't focus my attention solely on too many people when they're having personal difficulties. I do it for very few that I really care about. And I hate it when it turns out that I shouldn't have. I don't ask for much. Thank god for Seth, man. He's never ever ever let me down.

So, to all you Portland Live Journal-ers, I am probably coming to Portland this weekend. I'm going to see if I can't get my meeting on Friday moved to Wednesday so Seth can drive up here and get me. I'm hoping to be there Thursday night through Sunday afternoon-ish. God bless Seth for wanting to see me so much that he's willing to drive. I miss Portland so much, and I think that it will help to be there for a few days. I can't wait to see you all, so I hope I get a chance to. We shall see.

If I can't get my meeting switched, I might still come Friday through Sunday. I'm not quite sure. I'll keep everyone updated.

I am not having a good time of it lately. I'm losing my mind one little bit of sleeplessness at a time. I'm not ignoring anyone, I promise. I'm.....ugh. I'm sick.

I should be doing something right now. I should be listening to lecture. I'm not. My New Imperialism teacher is doing a marvelous job, too, and I'm usually drawn in by his lectures. I usually really enjoy myself in this class. Not today. Nope.

I can't get focused. I just wrote my paper proposal and a sample bibliography for this class, like, right before I got here. I'm doing the Opium Wars, and the result on Chinese power in the modern world. Yeah, I'm pretty stoked about it. Or at least, I used to be, until recently. I HATE SCHOOL RIGHT NOW. I don't know why, and I don't usually feel this way. Yeah, I'm a so-so attender of classes, and I slack off a bunch, but I get shit done when it needs to be, and I don't mind doing it. Lately, though, it has been a chore for me. I don't know why. I'm not depressed, and I'm not lazy, really. Ok, maybe I am a little bit. But that's not the reason for this.

I think maybe it's because it's getting warmer outside, and the weather has been more spring-like on some days. I can't wait for summer and to move to the Forks and live the life that I love. Not that I don't love learning, but sometimes, I just want to be ANYWHERE but here. Usually in the warmer months.

I've been spending more time at Sugarloaf, and I wanted to go home this weekend. I really did. I wanted to be in Millinocket with my child and my sister and my dad, but instead, because my father needs his car this weekend, I'm stuck here again. I'll go over to Sugarloaf and squat in Jake's apartment for awhile, I suppose. I was there over the snow day this week as well. He wants to spend all this time, and I don't know where it's coming from. It's nice, and I'm glad he loves me, but I have a feeling this is a recipe for us getting burnt out on each other. That would be tragic. As always, I'm probably thinking too much about it, but whatever. I just worry a lot. It's what I do.

I should be studying for the midterm I have next class that I'm not really prepared for. I should be doing a lot of things. I should be listening to my favorite professor talk about Swahili City States. But I'm not. I'm writing to you blessed people that actually read the thoughts in my head that I type out. You're angels, really. Without you, I would only have an audience of one. Me. And that's no fun.

I miss my friends, and I miss my son. I'm tired of school and I want April vacation. But our April break is the same as high school's (because this is a teaching college), so I don't get a break until April 18th (MY BIRTHDAY-save the date). SUCH a long time. I would like someone to kill me. Any one of you. Please. I have it coming anyway. Just do it.

SETH I LOVE YOU.

The end.

I cannot sleep. Try as I might, I cannot. This is going on the 2nd month of nights where I sleep 2 and 3 hours at a time if I'm lucky. I don't know why that is. Every once in awhile, I get a night of good sleep, and it's amazing. Like when Seth and Liz visited, I could finally sleep. I wish they could stay forever, if only for my sanity and restfulness.

I can't decide if I'm in the mood to laugh or cry. I'm so overtired, I could conceivably do both. Everything seems silly and ridiculous to me, but at the same time, I'm so frustrated that I want to burst into tears. I just want to sleep without waking up every 30 minutes or having the most bizarre, fitful dreams in the world. Is that too much to ask, sleep gods? Just let me catch some zzz's already! Jayzus.

I can see my child sleeping peacefully in the twin bed beside me. Why does he get all the peace, anyway? Because he's an innocent 5 year old with no stress or baggage that keeps him awake at night? WELL THAT'S NOT FAIR. He sleeps too much. I want some of his sleep. He looks so content. Dammit.

*Sigh* I don't even really feel that way. OF COURSE I want my child to sleep peacefully. OF COURSE I would sacrifice my own peace of mind for his uninterrupted rest. But does he have to rub it in my face like that? Sleeping all cute-like, curled up on his pillow? COME ON. That's just insensitive. I'll give him a piece of my mind in the morning. He won't be at all confused by that.

Alright, enough of this nonsense. I'm off to beat myself over the head repeatedly with something heavy until I fall unconscious. Wish me luck.

So, didn't I tell you guys that I'd only feel good in Millinocket for two days and then I'd start feeling useless? I didn't? Well, I'm telling you now. I feel useless.

I've been here since Sunday evening, and already I wish I weren't here anymore. I'm happy that I have Aidan around, but I wish I didn't have to come back to this hellhole to make that happen. I am so bored that I'm, like, dying. I can't think of anything to do. I've already put the dishes away, vacuumed every rug in this stupid house, AND vacuumed the stairs. I'm out of things to do. I could watch TV, but it's mindless daytime television and that's-- OH NO WAIT! I just remembered! The Law and Order: SVU marathon started at 10 today! I'm missing it! CRAP!

Ok, I found something to do. Nevermind.

Oh, and I had an eye doctor appointment today. My perscription got stronger, and I ordered a really cute new pair of glasses. Thank god, because my frames are going to shit. They're all crooked and busted up. Not cool. These ones are pretty and a little thicker than my old ones. I should have them in 7-10 days. YAY. No more headaches.

I miss my friends, and I really want Liz to come back from New Orleans so she's not miserable anymore. I hate stupid Tom. I want to punch him in the groin. I think maybe I will. Do you hear that, Tom? Don't come to Maine. You will receive a punch to the groin immediately upon exiting your aircraft. No joke.

I never update this thing. I just never remember. Maybe if I put it in my bookmarks I'll remember. I don't know. Probably not. Don't get too excited.

So, lets see. Liz and Seth came to visit last week. I miss them more now, if that's possible. Sometimes I really think that life would always be alright for me if Seth were always around. And I miss Liz more and more every day. No one is here to laugh at my stupid jokes, or make fun of people with me. Those guys always laugh. Or mostly. Mostly Liz. Seth is kind of surly.

Anyway, they were here from 8PM on Friday night to 12 noon on Saturday. A shorter visit than I would have liked. Much shorter. However, they promised to come back when they could spend more time. I plan to go down to Portland after break, too. I miss Portland. I miss Seth and Liz. I miss Ryan. I miss John. Although, for Ryan and John I'd have to go to stupid Gorham. We'll see about that.

I'm writing this from the Sugarloaf Health Club. Winter break has just started, so Sugarloaf is swarming with people. Rich people. People with tiny monsters that they call children. Ugh. Jake's at work at Happy Tunes, and I'm just hanging out here, waiting for Laura to be done work so we can drink booze. It'll be awesome.

So yesterday was Valentines day. I was supposed to come to Sugarloaf last night to hang out with Jake and be all Valentine-y. I really meant to. I swear I did. Laura came over to my room at about 3, and we went to a Valentines dinner at The Homestead, and we drank booze. Then, there was still time before her night class, so we went for a ride and drank more beer. Then, when she got out at 9, she picked me up and we headed for Sugarloaf. On the way, we drank beer. Then, we got distracted by the fact that we were riding by Judson's. So we stopped there, drank more beer, and battled at Guitar Hero on the big screen. Needless to say, I didn't make it to Jake until almost midnight. And he was in bed, so when I came in, I woke him up and turned the light on. I was drunk. I snuggled my cold body into bed, stuck my freezing feet on him and mumbled "Happy Valentines Day". That got a lot of laughter. He told me I was the best Valentine even though I was freezing and smelled like PBR. Aw.

Anyway, that's all for now, folks. See you next month or something.

I miss Seth.....I can't think about it too much or I'll cry.

Words cannot express how annoyed I am right now. Ok, so I'm at Sugarloaf. Jake's been working all damn day. I mean, seriously All. Damn. Day. And now he's home and instead of spending time with me (which we still have not really done between him working and snowboarding for the two days I've been here), he's sitting in the living room with his two roommates watching Batman Begins and getting stoned. There is no seating left for me, so either I sit on a huge yoga ball or I sit on the floor. Both extremely comfortable options. I don't know. It's Saturday. I figured we might do something. And now he's coming into the bedroom every 10 minutes asking me why I'm not "hanging out". Why the fuck do you think?!

And if ONE MORE person calls my phone this weekend looking for Jake I'm going to smash the fucking thing into the wall. Honestly. I know the man doesn't have a phone so everyone thinks that (because I have a phone) this is their golden opportunity to get a hold of him. However, I am not a fucking secretary, and I do enjoy my friends calling me for ME not just to talk to Jacob.

Christ, it's bad enough that I have to sit here all day with the dog doing NOTHING, but this is just ri-goddamn-diculous. Sorry about the profanity in this entry. I'm just pissed.

Oh, and also? I don't mind that you think other girls are attractive, because there are other girls in the world who are attractive. However, I don't need it pointed out to me every second of the day. I also don't need the fact that you never want to get married pointed out to me every second. I don't want to get married, either. It still sucks to hear all the time.

I FINALLY GOT APPROVED FOR A STUDENT LOAN!!!

Oh, god. I can feel the stress leaving my body. The best part is that it's a Sallie Mae private loan, so I feel good about it. I mean, I knew I was going to be able to get an alternative loan through SOME place, but I'm happy it was from an upstanding (as upstanding as loan agencies get) place. I mean, I probably would have taken a loan from Bob's Student Loans R' Us, but I would NOT have been happy about it.

Now I can actually enjoy myself in the Forks without this hanging over my head.

Well, people, it's the new year, and I'm back. I'm back to stay. No more of this "posting regularly for a month and then disappearing into oblivion" crap. You will all know my thoughts. I will tell them to you. You will no longer wonder "Where's Julie? Does anyone know what Julie's been up to? Did she die?"

The answer to those questions are as follows:

1) I am at my house in Millinocket for now, and then on January 21st I will living in Farmington, Maine.

2) I am doing the same thing I always do. Traveling in a strange circle, hanging out with my child, and preparing to transfer schools. I'm pretty busy right now, actually. Thanks for asking.

3) No, I am not dead. Most people will tell you that I do this sort of thing very often. Most of my very close friends go without hearing from me or seeing me for months at a time. It's not because I'm self-absorbed or hermit-like. I just don't think about it. Simple. I would never get anything done if I were always trying to get in touch with the people that wonder where I am. It's not that I don't miss you guys. I swear.

Anyway, things are going well. I just got back from California. That was interesting. It's like leveling up in a video game. Completely different world. I must admit (even though it makes me sound like a sheltered freak) that I was way more excited to see palm trees than I should be.
I was out there visiting Shawn. He is doing really well, and the Navy is keeping him healthy and active. This pleases me. He's going on deployment in two weeks, so I won't be able to talk to him (except email) for 6 months. That's going to suck donkey balls, but I'll live. I miss him though. All the time.
Farmington really can't come soon enough for me. I'm so excited to go to a school that I actually WANT to go to. I'll be closer to The Forks (I MISS YOU KAREN) and closer to Jake. Although, my new roommate got in touch with me this week via Facebook. She's 19, she's emo, and she's an English major from Boston who can't spell. Oh, and her idol is Kurt Cobain. *Sigh* I guess it can't all be perfect. I'm hoping that she's a cool emo kid. I wasn't sure they existed before I met Liz. Now I'm still afraid that Liz may be the only cool one.

I miss Jake. I know it's only 11 days until I get to Farmington and then I can see him all the time, but I miss him NOW. I actually miss him more after talking to him yesterday and today. I can't wait to sleep next to someone again.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a great holiday experience, and I'm sorry I've been neglecting Livejournal so much.

Also, I miss Seth Bishop. He completes me.

Well, it's been a long time since I did this, so I'm not sure exactly where to start. Summer is halfway over, can you believe that? There's so much left to do still, especially regarding school and money to pay for school, and I've been slacking on all of it. I'm just waiting to get stressed out about it, but the stress hasn't come yet, so I suppose I'll deal with it later. *shrug*

So where have I been, huh? All over the place. I was spending the first part of the summer traveling in a triangle around the state. Portland was where I took classes, The Forks was where I worked and lived, and I visited Millinocket when I could. That proved to be too much traveling and too much stress, so I cut out school. Just for the summer. I've been primarily in The Forks since then working at The Marshall (which is a bar, restaurant and inn that my friend Karen and her boyfriend Chris own and operate). I haven't been on the river as much as I hoped to be this summer, but I hope to change that soon. The weather has been less than stellar, and since I have the luxury of being a fair weather rafter now, I've been enjoying the rainy days when I can say "You know what? I do not want to paddle today. No. Go without me." It's nice to have a choice.

I'm going to buy a kayak soon I think. I've done a lot of things in whitewater, but kayaking is not one of them, and I'd love to learn. I just need to figure out how to roll a kayak and I'll be all set. I'd be more productive in my downtime if I could just have my own boat to paddle down the river with. It'd be great.

I've been living with about 15 people at The Marshall all summer, and I couldn't ask for better friends to live with. Some I've known literally forever (Karen, Chris, Noah, Todd, Jake, my sister Bonnie), and some I've just met in the last few years (Alaina, Chuck, Meredith, Beau, Cassie, P-roy, Shane). They're all pretty unique people, so life really never gets boring, even though we rarely do anything besides work in the bar and sit around. Although Bonnie's birthday was last week and we mixed it up a bit for that. Booze, whiffle ball, the river, and a movie in Skowhegan is more than anyone could ever ask for.

We're raising one more pig than usual this summer. We have three this year, and their names are Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner. They're much better behaved than last year's pigs, and they're growing at a pretty rapid rate. I like them because they're stupid. Also because they're cute. They'll taste good at the beginning of fall. I tell them that often. They like me, I think. Haha.

The only thing I hate about being in The Forks is that it makes my wanderlust come back with a vengeance. When I think about going back to USM in the fall, my heart hurts a little bit because I won't be traveling. I want to travel. But oh well, I must stay focused. There'll be plenty of time for traveling later. And mark my words, I will be traveling. All the time. Picking up and moving on are two of the easiest things in life to do. You don't have to know what you'll do when you get there. You'll figure it out. Right now, if Seth's reading this, he's shaking his head and lamenting the fact that his friend is a hippie flake. I'm not a hippie, Seth. Shut up.

Anyway, I've gone on long enough. If anyone needs to reach me throughout the summer, I'll be at 207-663-4455. You can call the cell, but I probably won't have service. I do, however, check my messages often and I will get back to you if you leave me one. So do it. Often. I like to feel loved.